Why Dating Apps Don’t Work
It is no surprise that Gen-Z has become increasingly present on dating apps including Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and Raya. It seems like every single NYU student has maintained a Hinge profile at one point; I even know quite a few people who regularly update their Hinge photos like it’s their Instagram (which might seem a bit strange).
Despite how normalized dating apps are, there is still a stigma that comes with saying “I met my partner on Hinge!”, and even worse, “We met on Tinder.” Everyone I know preaches the idea that their soulmate isn’t on the apps, and yet they are still on them.
Why do people cling to these dating apps, acting like there is some sort of romance FOMO that will hit them if they delete their profiles?
Probably because they are convenient. A study found that 45% of men aged 18-25 have never approached a woman in person. I believe there is a bi-directional relationship between this statistic and the use of dating apps.
On one hand, many individuals may be too afraid or shy to approach people in person, which is entirely valid to a certain extent. In turn, these people might find convenience and practicality in being able to sift through a bunch of profiles online to find someone they are interested in dating.
On the other hand, because we have these apps which enable dates to be scheduled via quick direct message exchanges after finding a match, many daters most likely feel less of an obligation to go up to people they find attractive in person.
In 2017, 39% of couples met Online, compared to just 2% in 1995
There are some obvious issues that arise out of using dating apps merely for convenience. If someone is using the apps as an easy way to find their life partner, does it not seem strange that they have abandoned courtship amidst their pursuit of a serious relationship? Many people will argue that they are simply too busy, and therefore it makes more sense for them to start on an app where you can instantly connect with someone if you mutually swipe on each other.
But a more important question is why don’t these apps seem to be working for most people? There are many possible explanations.
An obvious possibility is that people are being overwhelmed by potential partners, also known as “choice overload.” I often hear people making jokes that social media is harmful because humans were not wired to see so many attractive people in just one scroll session.
This also applies to dating apps. People used to meet their partners at school or at a bar, or through mutual friends. This naturally filtered out people who would have never been in our default dating pools. Now, people’s dating pools can extend across a 50-mile geographical radius, making it difficult to decide who is really the one for them.
Additionally—and perhaps controversially—both men and women love the attention they receive on dating apps. Statistically speaking, women tend to receive more likes on dating apps than men, and some men literally swipe right on everyone.
As a result, women receive likes from a lot of guys, acting as an instant confidence boost. Inversely, because of hypergamy which is exacerbated by optionality and unlimited scrolling, very attractive men revel in likes from a number of women. An attractive man who knows that he is attractive most certainly wants nothing more than for a bunch of attractive women to validate his personal judgments.
Finally, many of the exchanges that occur on dating apps are incredibly shallow, meaningless, and uninteresting. Introductions tend to feel impersonal, and with no way to provide their real-world coolness and attractiveness, people tend to play it a little too nonchalantly when communicating over the internet. This generates conversations where both parties seem uninterested and boring, although this usually isn’t the case.
Like all technological innovations, dating apps aren’t totally awful. I know plenty of happy couples who met on a dating app, and I also know plenty of people who genuinely use dating apps as a tool for finding their life partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give the apps a shot because they do work for some people.
Just recently, I saw a video of a very happy couple walking the streets of NYC who reportedly met on Hinge, although many people have been theorizing that this was just a paid promo.
My pejorative on dating apps should not be taken so personally, and I encourage people to stick with them if they believe they are effective (ultimately, you get what you put in). However, I think their convenience should not prevent us from attempting to court lovers in real life, even if it’s achieved by routinely sitting next to someone in your unreasonably large lecture, or via cringey flirting in the Bobst elevators.
Happy Valentine’s Day!